Penny Bail Bonds Anger Tips
By Anthony Fiore, Ph.D.
http://www.angercoach.com
http://www.angercoachonline.com

Anger Tip #26- Try Not To Stonewall

Stacy and Bill were married for twenty years and had a ten year old daughter, Nancy.  On one occasion, Bill accidentally rented a DVD for the family that was rated PG-13  instead of PG. Seeing this, Stacy berated Bill for renting the DVD and Nancy for watching it, which was against the house rules.  Neither  Nancy nor Bill could cope with these episodes.

Ten-year old Nancy simply left and withdrew to her room, without saying a word. Bill calmly took the DVD out of the player, returned it to the video store, and did not talk to his wife for the next two weeks, except for basic communication such as, “what time is dinner?”

Stacy immediately recognized that she had over-reacted to the situation and had handled it poorly, due to having had an extremely stressful day at work combined with a glass of wine at home, right before this incident. She attempted to apologize to both Nancy and Bill. Nancy accepted it and hugged her mother. Bill, however, would have no part of it.
He simply refused to discuss it or to acknowledge his feelings about it. When asked if he was upset, Bill said “no,” walked away and turned on the television effectively shutting Stacy out. In bed, Stacy approached him romantically, but Bill turned away saying he was “tired.”

Bill was “Stonewalling” Stacy. Stonewalling is a term used to describe how people in many types of relationships emotionally shut-down when feeling upset, angry or hurt by others. In effect, he was putting up an emotional wall between himself and his wife that his wife simply could not penetrate, no matter how hard she tried. Bill had not learned how to communicate hurt, disappointment, or anger to Stacy in a healthy way. Instead, he withdrew, pouted, and became emotionally unavailable, perhaps as a way to “punish” his wife for her behavior.
Research shows that if “stonewalling” is done excessively in marriage (particularly by men), it is a predictor of divorce or relationship breakup. When done by adolescents, it can cause untold misery and frustration in parents, teachers, peers, and others. It can even have an effect in the workplace—for instance, co-workers not  communicating with each other, or employees having hurt feelings by managers can have negative effects on productivity, customer service,  and ultimately on  profits of the  company.
As the above case illustrates, stonewalling can occur in many forms. Common stonewalling behaviors include: avoiding issues by not discussing them, becoming emotionally distant from people close to you, denying anger or hurt when you clearly are feeling those emotions, or not telling others what is bothering you despite their repeated attempts to find out.
Stonewalling is a destructive communication pattern that works against intimacy or closeness in relationships. It also promotes resentment, anger and distance for most couples, and families. In the workplace, stonewalling can create an atmosphere of tension, lower productivity, and lack of emotional fulfillment with your job.

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