Penny Bail Bonds Anger Tips
By Anthony Fiore, Ph.D.
http://www.angercoach.com
http://www.angercoachonline.com

Anger Tip #24 – Avoid Defensiveness When Relating to Others

Let’s eavesdrop into a rather typical martial interaction between Jose and Maria who have been married for ten years, with 2 children:
Maria: “You never talk to me any more.”
Jose: “ That’s not so: I talk to you all the time. In fact, What about last Tuesday when you upset about you father and we spent the whole evening talking about it? Besides, last Saturday after the party you said I talked too much. Make up your mind, will you?”
Maria: “That doesn’t count. You listened but didn’t share your feelings.”
Jose: I’d talk to you more often if you weren’t such a nag. Besides, I’m not going to feel much like talking to you when you hit me with all the problems of the day before I even get my coat off.”
 As we see in this example, psychological defensiveness can be defined as an emotion where one displays an excessive rejection of criticism. Defensiveness is sometimes hard to recognize, but it is predictor of martial divorce because it prevents a person from receiving honest feedback from others - feedback that would be useful in resolving conflict or promoting closeness. The defensive person rarely takes personal responsibility for an issue or problem; instead they

• blame the other (for instance, it is not my fault; you shouldn’t have looked at me that way)
  
• protest that anybody would respond in a similar manner (for instance, I am normal; everybody in my family would do the same thing) or
  
• put you down to invalidate the criticism (for instance, what do you know, you are a woman)

Defensive people rarely grow in relationship because their goal is to protect their fragile ego instead of becoming a better or more effective person, or improving communication or understanding of their partner.
Jose could have tried one or more of the  following responses which would have been much less defensive and may have enhanced communication and avoided further arguing or estrangement from each other:

• I agree we need to talk more. How about later this evening after dinner we take a walk and chat?
  
• I feel that I do talk to you a lot, but I could do better at sharing my feelings. That is hard for a guy, but I’ll work on it.
  
• Please let me unwind first from work, and then I’ll be in a better mood to tell you what went on at the office today. 

If you are defensive, try being more open-minded to honest criticism from others, especially people who love you. Remember that you are human and imperfect; admitting mistakes or shortcomings will not necessarily lower you in the eyes of loved ones; it often increases their feelings of connection and closeness to you.

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