Penny Bail Bonds Anger Tips
By Anthony Fiore, Ph.D.
http://www.angercoach.com
http://www.angercoachonline.com

Anger Tip #2 –Recognize Perpetual Problems

Jim and Sally had been married 25 years but still argued over financial and social issues. Turns out, Jim was a “saver’ while Sally was much more willing to spend money for what she saw as family needs. Of course, they couldn’t agree on what was “necessary” vs. “extra” or “needed” vs. simply “wanted.” (“Was that new bedroom suite really needed?” “ Should we have put that $5000 into our retirement account instead?”). When not arguing over money, Jim and Sally conflicted over the fact that Jim liked to stay home returning from work and basically remain isolated while Sally was much more social and liked to interact with friends. She saw him as a “hermit,” while he saw her as a “social butterfly.”

Most couples have these “perpetual” issues – issues that are always there. These are issues that were there on the day they met and will still be there after 30 years – if the marriage survives that long. Many psychologists feel that when we enter relationship with someone we immediately assume a number of these issues; if we go to another relationship, there will be another set of  perpetual issues—different ones maybe, but perpetual nonetheless.

In fact, marital research shows that 69% of the time in marital conflict is spent arguing about these “perpetual” issues —issues that are never going to change. Unfortunately, couples become “gridlocked” on these problems. Trying to “solve” the unsolvable (like character, personality, or values differences between husband and wife) creates stress, anger, frustration and conflict.

Partners don’t usually change in response to pressure from their partners. This is sometimes because they don’t want to change. In other cases, partners are incapable or unwilling to change the issue that is causing the problem. We often see cases where partners don’t change because they feel they would be “giving in” to the other if they did —and this they are unwilling to do.

Instead of becoming upset, angry or frustrated because your partner has characteristics, behaviors, or values that upset you, find a way to accept and live with each other around these unsolvable issues—or leave the relationship. Remember, relationship is a “package” deal – if there are many positives, you should learn to accept that in any relationship, we have to take the good with the not so good.

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