Penny Bail Bonds Anger Tips
By Anthony Fiore, Ph.D.
http://www.angercoach.com
http://www.angercoachonline.com

Anger Tip # 14- Hear—Not Just Listen— to Improve Understanding

Thirty-eight year old Lynn shared in anger management class that she and her husband of 5 years (Tim) just don’t know how to communicate with each other. Things were at the point that no matter what was said, it was interpreted by the other in a negative way, which made things worse. We explained to her that some marriage experts define an escalating couple fight pretty much as Lynn described it: a self-perpetuating exchange in which two people become increasingly unhearing and abusive because each feels increasingly unheard and abused by the other.
Lynn basically felt that there were numerous problems in the relationship that needed to be discussed, but she felt lonely because she was the only one noticing them. She was unable to convince Tim of these issues because he became super-defensive and avoidant whenever she brought up an issue for discussion.
Tim, on the other hand, was always trying to convince Lynn that there weren’t any serious problems. He constantly felt discouraged, defeated and a failure as a husband when he heard Lynn being so critical of him and the relationship. He just wanted peace when he came home so he often avoided discussion things with Lynn that needed to be discussed and dealt with.
The failure to communicate between Lynn and Tim was partly due to their not being able to hear what the other was saying. As we all know and would agree upon, listening is not the same as hearing. Hearing is a deeper listening; it involves understanding the meanings as well as the content of what the other person is trying to tell you.
Sometimes, we become angry toward other people because we don’t understand them and certainly don’t understand how they can do or not do things we consider stupid, irrational, and misguided. We listen, but still may not get it. Often this is because we are listening through a mental “filter” that blocks or distorts understanding.
For instance, Lynn was listening to Tim through the filter “he doesn’t appreciate me.”  Because of this filter, she was unable to hear Tim’s side of things which did not include lack of appreciation for Lynn.
In anger management classes, we teach the skill of Empathy—the skill of seeing the world from the other person’s point of view, even if you don’t agree with it. Empathy also involves understanding yourself and the realization that your “filter” at the moment may be distorting your ability to truly hear and thus understand the other person.

The remedy is to try and listen without the filter or from another viewpoint (for instance, “maybe he does appreciate me, but he is having a bad day”) and see if that doesn’t change things for you in terns of decreasing anger and resentment. Remember that your mental filters are constantly changing, they often are not 100% true, and they play a large part in how you feel about things and other people. 

Penny Bail Bonds Anger Tips are brought to you as a community service by Penny Bail Bonds  and The Bail Bond Store.