How to control your anger!

Managing angry feelings in is a challenge for many people. It requires mastering specific thought and action skills and then practicing these skills on a daily basis. The costs to persons who do not learn how to regulate their negative emotions are high and include increased risk of getting into legal trouble, loss of relationships, conflicts at work, loss of respect in the eyes of loved ones, and lowering of self-esteem.

What is Anger?
We view angry feelings as a normal emotional reaction to frustration in our everyday world. It is natural to become angry when we have a goal and this goal is blocked in some way. Anger isn't just one emotion, but a family of emotions that are related to each other both in our brains and in our behavior. People often give a variety of names to their angry feelings, which range from mild irritation to rage.

Once anger begins, it generates changes in our expressions, our faces, our voice, and changes in the way we think. It also creates impulses to action. In fact, the purpose of emotions such as anger is to organize and mobilize all of our bodily systems to respond to our environment in some way.

Anger, like all emotions, is regulated by that section of our brain called the "limbic system" (located in our mid brains beyond our inner ear) Emotional memories are stored in the "amygdala" and other structures which are located in this limbic system.

You may experience anger now in your life which may actually be caused by a mixture of what is triggering it now and experiences you have had in the past - even if you don't remember them.  This "old anger" is activated by your brain in its attempt to protect you - even though the original danger is no longer present.

It is up to the thinking part of the brain, our frontal lobes, to find a way to deal with the angry feelings the amygdala and other brain structures have set in motion. Fortunately, as thinking human beings we have the unique ability among mammals to have choices regarding how we will deal with our feelings.

Our model of anger management
In our view, anger management is NOT about never getting angry - that would be an impossible and ridiculous goal because angry feelings are "hard-wired" in your brain and probably serve a protective and survival function.

Rather, anger management is about learning how to regulate and express those natural angry feelings in a way that makes you a more effective human being. Persons who manage their anger well have better relationships, better health, and more occupational success than those who manage their anger poorly. They also get more of their needs met without antagonizing loved ones or colleagues.

Learning to manage anger involves mastering the eight tools of anger control that we have found to be highly effective in our local anger management classes. This model of anger management is not therapy and does not dwell on the past or the underlying reasons for anger. Rather, our approach is psycho-educational, skill-building, and practical drawing on recent research and findings in neuroscience, marriage/relationships, stress management, and the emerging science of happiness and optimism.

The eight tools of anger control:

Tool 1 - Recognize stress
Stress is often the trigger that takes us from feeling peaceful to experiencing uncomfortable angry feelings in many common life situations.  Whether the stressor is external or internal, scientists have discovered that the major systems of the body work together to provide one of the human organism's most powerful and sophisticated defenses; the stress response which you may know better as "fight-or-flight" Before your stress response turns into anger or aggression, use stress management strategies to get it under control.

Tool 2 - Develop empathy
To empathize is to see with the eyes of another, to hear with the ears of another, and to feel with the heart of another. Lack of empathy leads to poor communication and a failing to understand others. To manage anger, it often helps to see our anger as a combination of other people's behavior and our lack of empathy.

Tool 3 - Respond instead of react
Many times we become angry because we  find people and situations that literally "push our buttons", and we react just like a juke box that automatically pulls down a record and starts playing when you make a selection. Rather than reacting to anger triggers in this  fashion,  you can learn to choose how to deal with frustrating situations - to respond rather than automatically react like that juke box.

Tool 4 - Change that conversation with yourself
What you tell yourself is what you get. We are constantly having inner conversations - also called self-talk - which create, decrease, or intensity our feelings and emotional states, including anger. Learning to recognize and modify that conversation in an important tool in anger control. This tool helps you counter "Stinkin' thinking."

Tool 5 - Communicate assertively
Anger expressed toward others is often a misguided way of communicating a feeling we have or a need that is not being satisfied by other people or situations. Assertive communication is a set of skills to teach you how to honestly and effectively communicate how you feel and how you are responding to things - without getting angry or hostile about it.

Tool 6 - Adjust expectations
Anger is often triggered by a discrepancy between what we expect and what we get. Learning to adjust those expectations - sometimes upward and other times downward-can help us cope with difficult situations or people- or even cope with ourselves. There are four ways to adjust those expectations which are simple thought - skills to acquire.

Tool 7 - Forgive but don't forget!
Anger is often the result of grievances we hold toward other people or situations, usually because of our perception and feeling of having been wronged by them in some way. Resentment is a form of anger that does more damage to the holder than the offender.  Making the decision to "let go" (while still protecting ourselves) is often a process of forgiveness - or at least acceptance - and is a major step toward anger control.

Tool 8 - Retreat and think things over!
Research shows that we are pretty much incapable of resolving conflicts or thinking rationally in an argument when our stress level reaches a certain point. To avoid losing control either physically or verbally, it is often best to take a temporary "time-out" and leave.  This tool of anger management works much better if (a) you commit to return within a reasonable amount of time to work things out, and (2) you work on your "self-talk" while trying to cool down.

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Tony Fiore, Ph.D, is a practicing psychologist and anger management trainer in Southern California. He can be reached at 714-771-0378, on the web at www.angercoach.com or by email: drtony@angercoach.com. He publishes a free monthly newsletter "Taming the Anger Bee", and is also co-author of "Anger Management For The Twenty First Century" which explains the eight tools in much more detail. Century Anger Management  (www.centuryangermanagement.com) provides certification training for anger management professionals.