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Penny Bail Bonds Anger Tips
By Anthony Fiore, Ph.D.
http://www.angercoach.com
http://www.angercoachonline.com
Anger Tip #25 – Husbands: Listen To Her Instead of Fixing It.
In a recent anger management class, we had a nice young couple in attendance who were struggling with communication issues. Nancy was 24 years old and an administrative assistant for a health care company. Her 28 year old husband, Paul, was a successful financial planner on the fast-track with his own company. He was used to bottom-line, take-control, fix-the-problem approach to many of life’s challenges.
In class, Nancy recalled a recent argument they had had the previous week:
Nancy: Boy, did I have a tough day at work today. Constant stress, the boss was raging again, and I just don’t know if I can go on at that place. I feel so demeaned and not valued. Like no matter what I do, it isn’t good enough. I’m feeling so tired and stressed at the end of the day. By the time I get home, I’m spent with no energy to do anything else.
Paul: Why don’t you quit? You don’t have to put up with that.
Nancy: It is just so frustrating not only dealing with the boss but also that busy-body Pauline in the office is always gossiping so much about everybody.
Paul: Start spreading rumors about Pauline – maybe she will get the message about not gossiping so much herself.
Nancy: Why are you always telling me what to do? Can’t you just listen for once?
Paul: What? I was just trying to help you. Trying to tell you what you should do, or what I would do if it were me.
Nancy: You think you’re so superior. I would like to see you…MR HIGH AND MIGHTY ….do as well as I do on that job day after day, with what I have to put up with.
What was Paul’s mistake here? Why did Nancy get so upset with him when he was only trying to help her?
The class agreed that the following had occurred which would help explain the underlying elements that contributed to the conflict between Nancy and Paul:
- Nancy didn’t want Paul’s advice on how to fix her work problems. She just wanted him to listen.
- While there are many exceptions, men tend to be socialized (raised) to be “fixers” rather than “listeners.” Men tend to want to solve things instead of processing feelings about them. But women (and sometimes men ) at times need to “just be heard.” This usually involves the skills of being able to listen as well as communication to your partner that you understand how they feel.
- When husbands try to “fix it” instead of “listening,” sometimes wives become angry because they hear the “fixing” as a subtle put-down or expression of superiority. What they may hear is: “you think you are smarter or more capable than me; give me credit that I know HOW to fix it if I wanted to, but right now I just want to know that you know how I feel about it.
- To avoid angry responses from others, it is usually best to ASK FIRST if the other person wants advice, suggestions, or remedies for the problems. Asked-for advice is “heard” very differently from unsolicited advice. Asking might involve questions such as “would you like suggestions on how to handle that?”, or, “would like input from me or do you want me to just listen right now?”
Learning to communicate more effectively with each other is a major challenge for many couples, but leads to decreased conflict and more emotional closeness when achieved. Both partners, but especially husbands, should resist the natural tendency to try and “fix” their partner’s problems. First, listen and acknowledge her feelings and emotions about the situation. Then, get permission to offer possible fixes before thrusting them upon her.
Penny Bail Bonds Anger Tips are brought to you as a community service by Penny Bail Bonds and The Bail Bond Store.
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